It seems I’m always confessing something to you and, since it’s a new year, it doesn’t seem like a good time to break with tradition.
So here’s how it is. I believe some absolutely ridiculous things about bands. We’re not talking little things like every band is required to have a pithy response to someone requesting Free Bird. We’re talking big things. Huge things. Things that are so completely absurd I can only imagine how much you are going to laugh about this.
You’re lucky I like you.
5. Bands live on good vibes
Bands never seem to be rolling in the money. Even though they are doing something that we enjoy, touring extensively and leaving behind their life to play for us, they still seem to be strapped for cash or, at least, not possessing vast sums of the paper substance that rules our lives.
So, how do they survive? How can they eat or house themselves if they don’t have the bucks?
Easy. They live on good vibes.
The Evidence: Now, I understand why you’d be skeptical. It seems far-fetched…or does it? Look at the picture above. REALLY look at it. Look at Steve’s face, that devil-may-care expression. Look at Bo, Kyle and Jonny. They’re all concentrating and crooning and looking nonchalant. Look at Kim, Ellen and Tom. Again, studies in being cool. They aren’t worried about money because they receive all of their nutritional needs from the good vibes of the audience.
Bands don’t need money for food. Your energy fuels them. They have perfected renewable energy and it’s only one reason of many we should love them.
4. Every band has at least one awesome painter/sketch artist/writer
No one will convince me that this is false. Every band seems to have one of these people. They can croon, strum and manage to draw it all beautifully.
The Evidence: The Decemberists have New York Times Bestselling writer Colin Meloy. Los Campesinos! have Rob, designer of some of their shirts. Amanda Palmer has…well, Amanda Palmer. She’s a pretty gifted artist with sketching and everything else.
Every band has one or more of these individuals. It might actually be a prerequisite for being in a band. Someone should look into that.
3. Every band I like knows each other.
The Evidence: Until recently, I had no proof for this phenomenon. Much like the majestic Sasquatch, this beast was elusive prey. But on October 26th, 2012, I got all the proof I needed. This was, of course, the Freelance Whales concert. As I was walking around after the show getting signatures for my shirt and fawning over the band members, one of them asked me about a signature on the shirt. I told him it was Tom, the lead guitarist for Los Campesinos!. He smiled and said that he played trumpet for the band when they were stateside.
And that is all the evidence I need.
2. Every band I like lives in the same city.
This is a simple and more than a little ridiculous assumption.
The Evidence: Portland. Do you know who lives in Portland? EVERYONE. Every member of
The Decemberists, Isaac Brock, half of the band She & Him (granted, that’s only one person). The list goes on and I am certain, absolutely certain, that I’ve provided ample proof.
1. Bands live together
Now, just to clarify, I don’t mean that bands live in the same place. That was amply covered in point two. No, when I say that bands live together, I mean they live in the same house.
The Evidence: Antennas Up. They used to live together in what they called the hAUs. This clearly means that bands live together in bunk beds similar to what I imagined Hogwarts dormitories would have looked like before the movies ruined that idea forever, thanks a whole ton.
Bands live together and say good night to each other a la the Brady Bunch and gossip around their breakfast table while they pelt each other with marshmallows from their hot chocolate and I really am getting off point.
If any of this is a bit off-putting, it’s just how I roll. Sorry ya’ll.